Female Camaraderie

Women.  As a younger, very left-brained person I struggled with female company.  They gossiped, ridiculed, complained, and in general had nothing useful to say about what was interesting in the world.  When I look back from the hindsight of age, I still hold with my younger valuation of the average female companionship of the day and understand perfectly why I preferred the company of men.  The flaw in my choice of old was my personal blindness and bias.  I didn’t enjoy the mindlessness of younger women and therefore sought out the company of men older than I was.  I didn’t bother to judge these women against men of the same age group – which wasn’t too smart.  I was an intelligent woman, knew I was intelligent, and often arrogant behind it.  *Sigh*  Live and learn.  I will say that upon occasion throughout my life, I found women in my age group that did have a penchant for thinking and we became solid friends.  Fortunately for me, they had personality traits that differed from mine and I learned a lot about women and life from them.

I have grown up a lot over the years and have a great deal more wisdom than I did in my younger days, thank goodness!  It’s good to know that although we are all born with a static level of intelligence, wisdom is something you earn through living and learning.  It’s one of those “great equalizers” that my father used to talk about A LOT when I was too smart and, consequently, unwise.  A very patient man, my father.  

Today, I work from home and my closest friends that live nearby are of various ages and semi-retired.  We go to brunch every Thursday at the local casino and have for the past three years.  Tuesday and Thursdays are senior days and we get half-off on our buffet meals.  Bless this Indian tribe and its marketing strategies.  Brunch Buffet, the food is good and the company is better.  One lady in our group is my mother-in-law who has been happily married (mostly) to the same man for nearly 57 years.  Another has been divorced and single for 16 years because she can’t find a man worth having.  The third woman has been a widow for a little over two years and is constantly depressed because she can no longer be with the man she found worth having for 54 years.  Me, I’ve been in a tumultuous marriage for nearly 20 yrs.  The four of us are more than different but as women in a small town in an agricultural community, we’re glad of each others’ company and generally appreciative of each others’ qualities. 

This is a status of friendship that we’ve chosen to have and it’s taken a great deal of work.  My mother-in-law can’t go more than 20 words without inserting some quote from or paraphrasing the Bible, whether or not it truly fits into the conversation or situation.  My single friend can’t go more than 20 words without slamming one man or another, my widowed friend can’t say 20 words without talking about how much she misses her late husband and life isn’t worth living without him.  I don’t talk a lot because I am not real passionate about every nuance of the Bible; I still think men are, with a few exceptions, good and worthwhile; and I've never lost a husband of 50+ years.  My contribution tends more toward the disappointments & heartache I expereince from my adopted foster daughter - the drugs, laziness, untended mental illness, and her children she drags thru the mire of her lifestyle. 

It may not seem like it, but there is much to be gained from this friendship shared on a weekly basis.  I am finding that I can now make positive statements to my mother-in-law about how she retains what she reads from the Bible so well she can quote it.  Here is where wisdom comes in to play:  Ten years ago she had a triple by-pass on her heart and because her religious beliefs didn’t allow for blood transfusions, she had three strokes on the table as her heart was stopped three times for each of the three by-pass stages.  Afterwards, she couldn’t recall much of anything at all for years and had to relearn so much!  What’s admirable is that she stuck with the learning and has since gained a great deal back of what she lost.  The succeeding years have since been riddled with heart attacks, COPD, declining kidney function, congestive heart failure, and the insertion of a pace maker.  Being able to quote Bible passages and the book in which they can be found is quite a feat for anyone, especially a triple stroke victim. 

I can interrupt my divorced friend at least once a week during her fast paced griping to remind her about how much good she’s done and does for others, point out how strong of a woman she’s been to live through the strife she’s found in her life with three lousy husbands, how good of a mother she was to her three children without help from their fathers, and to point out how much her grandchildren love her.  She is a born teacher and chose her trade well.  After all, not finding yourself as well off as your parents were at retirement age is hard to take; having several unsuccessful marriages and a child by each one makes rearing children more than a challenge.  Getting a college education is tough at best, but to get one while there are children to raise, a living to make, and an overabundance of strife and heartache in your life makes it nearly impossible.  This woman got her degree anyway inspite of caring for her widowed, Alzheimer’s mother at the time.  She received no help or moral support at all; there was no one for her in the audience witnessing her mid-life college graduation.  My friend earned her respect and I’m glad to show it to her and remind her of her accomplishments as often as she needs it. 

As for my widowed friend who mourns her late husband with every breath she takes, I am always reminding her of how important she is to the rest of us, how much love and direction, patience and understanding she shows us every day.  I choose to point out to her any way I can think of, her contribution and her personal worth.  I constantly nudge her to move on.  It has to be a hard thing to watch the light of your life dim with a disease such as Alzheimer's until the disease puts the light out altogether.  There is misery in her wondering if she could have recognized the signs of disease earlier or if she was just being complacent.  There’s a certain measure of horror in her having to feed her one and only love thru a tube attached to his stomach while he lays in a bed he is unable to get out of – all  because he’s forgotten how to swallow or how to walk, overnight.  It has to hurt avoiding the kitchen in every way she can because her dead husband used to love to eat and she used to love to cook for him.  Where’s the joy in not being able to look at the photos on her walls or in her photo albums because he’s in them?  She won’t sell her house and move closer to her children, either, because she and her husband built that house together and it’s all she has left of her love and their lives … her life. 

Not to sell them short by any means, my friends offer me uplifting words, reminders, and love for what I've lived through as well.  I depend on them, their wisdoms, their points of view, their compassion, and practicalities to help me balance out my pain and insecurities.  We give and receive freely from each other and it's like mana from heaven.

I highly recommend such camaraderie to women of all socio/economic classes, all races, all creeds, all religions, and all marital statuses.  A woman’s life has never been easy, not that man’s has either.  Still, we women are in this together.  Together we can overcome a lack of humanity by exercising compassion and tenacity, by never letting go of our instincts and our ability to offer and extend love and goodwill.  Tell that waitress she’s done a good job of clearing your table or compliment her on her smile.  Remember to let the sales clerk know you think her earrings suit her.  Heartily thank that police officer for standing tall and true in protecting the rights of others.  You do it enough times, someone is bound to follow your example and say something uplifting to you – and very likely when you need it most.

To sum it all up at the end of the day, I’ve grown a little more and done a little good, thereby balancing my personal scale a little bit toward heaven.  I am woman  - and I can do this.  So can you.